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I think most of us have done this: settling in to watch a movie together, then finding ourselves checking our phones or getting distracted by another screen. The movie is on, but our attention is somewhere else.

I recently heard Dr Sahar Yousef talk about how familiar this has become. It made me stop and wonder: am I really enjoying the movie, or am I only half there?

I know this isn’t the kind of balance I want. I’ve found myself trying to reply to family texts while watching a movie with my partner, still distracted by other things around me. I want to enjoy our time together, but part of my attention keeps getting pulled elsewhere. Afterwards, I can feel as though I was there, but not quite present.

When my children were younger and living at home, dinner together around the table, without phones or television, was simply a given. Now that they’ve moved out, I’ve become much more relaxed about those habits. I no longer have to think about modelling them for my children, so it’s been easy to let those boundaries slip.

Recently, I’ve realised that healthy digital habits aren’t just important for children. They matter for my own health and wellbeing, too. I still want to be present with my partner, enjoy a meal or a movie, and give my mind a chance to rest without always checking what else is happening.

Dr Sahar Yousef is a cognitive neuroscientist and lecturer at UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. Her work includes research into focus, productivity and our relationship with digital technology. Her research group is currently validating the Digital Dependence Index, an assessment designed to explore patterns such as unconscious checking, using devices to manage mood, effects on sleep and health, and our sense of control over technology use.

A more intentional relationship with technology

That perspective reminds me that screen habits are about more than counting minutes. It can also help to notice how and why we reach for a device. Are we checking because we need the information, because we’re bored, or because a quiet moment feels uncomfortable? There’s no need to judge ourselves for the answer. Noticing the pattern can be a useful first step towards choosing what we want to do next.

Dr Yousef’s research overview also describes looking at factors such as uninterrupted focus time, digital communication, stress and sleep. For families, the aim doesn’t have to be a perfectly screen-free home. It might be choosing one small moment to protect: putting phones aside during dinner, switching off non-urgent alerts while sharing a story, or agreeing to watch a movie together without other screens. Small boundaries can help us notice when technology is supporting our lives and when it’s interrupting them.

Dr Yousef’s work focuses largely on adults, digital habits and performance, rather than children’s attention specifically. Still, her ideas have prompted me to reflect on my own habits. Before blaming ourselves or our children for being distracted, we can pause and ask: what is competing for our attention, and what might help us feel more present?

Technology can be useful, connecting and enjoyable. The goal isn’t to feel guilty about using it. It’s to have a little more choice about when we use it, and to make room for the people and moments that matter to us.

A book to explore

If you’d like to think more about your relationship with technology, Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World offers ideas for using digital tools more intentionally and making space for offline life. It isn’t by Dr Yousef, but it connects with the questions her work raised for me.

A more intentional relationship with technology

A book to explore

Further reading and viewing