For the moments when there are no perfect words
Breast Cancer Awareness Month is a time to talk about breast health, share information and remember the many people affected by breast cancer. It is also an opportunity to think about how we support someone we love through a difficult diagnosis.
Recently, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of students about breast cancer and how we can support someone we care about. What I shared was based around one simple thought: you do not need the perfect words. You just need to show up.
When someone in our world has cancer, it can be hard to know what to say. We can worry about saying the wrong thing, making someone sad or not knowing how to help. Sometimes that worry makes us pull away.
Please don’t pull away.
When life is difficult, being there can mean more than finding the clever thing to say or making a big gesture. This is the simple framework I shared: SHOW UP
S — Stay
Please do not disappear simply because you do not know what to say. You can be honest:
“I don’t know what to say. I just want you to know I’m here.”
That is enough. They may not have the energy to text back, and that does not mean they do not want to hear from you. Send another message next week. There is no need for them to answer.
H — Hear
Listen. You do not have to solve it.
If someone says, “I’m scared,” they do not need us to convince them not to be scared. If they say, “I’m angry” or “I’m exhausted”, they do not need to be reminded to be grateful or strong.
Sometimes the most caring response is simply, “I hear you.” It lets someone feel what they are feeling without having to tidy it up for everyone else.
O — Offer
Offer something useful and specific, rather than asking them to work out what they need. When someone is already carrying a lot, that can feel like one more thing to add to their list.
You might offer to drive them to an appointment, prepare a meal, pick up the groceries, take the children to sport, help with a household job or simply sit with them for a while. You might remember an important appointment or send a message on a difficult day. The small things that makes a day slightly easier can matter greatly.
Helping is not taking over, though. A person going through cancer is still the person in charge of their own life. Ask first. Respect their boundaries. If they say no, that is okay too.
W — Walk beside them
Do not turn someone into their diagnosis.
Your friend with cancer is still your friend. Your mum with cancer is still your mum. Your dad, grandparent, sister, brother or partner is still the person you love.
Talk about ordinary things. Send the silly meme. Share what happened in your day. Talk about the television show you are watching, the garden, the grandchildren or whatever usually brings you together. Laugh when there is something to laugh about. Keep inviting them, while making it easy for them to say no.
Nobody with cancer has to be inspiring, brave or positive every day. They are allowed to have bad days. We can walk beside them wherever they are that day, rather than expecting them to be somewhere else.
U + P — Until Past the Hard Bit
This part matters deeply. Support can be strongest in the first days after a diagnosis, when people are understandably worried and wanting to help. The hard times do not always end when treatment finishes or when the first rush of messages fades.
Keep showing up in quiet, thoughtful ways. Check in after the appointment. Remember the scan. Send a message months later. Let the person and their family decide what support looks like now.
No one can fix cancer with the right sentence. We cannot take away the fear, fatigue or uncertainty. We can make sure the people we love do not have to carry it feeling forgotten.
This Breast Cancer Awareness Month, wear pink, share a reminder about breast health and appropriate screening, but most of all, let’s SHOW UP for the people in our lives who are living with breast cancer (or other cancers), recovering from treatment, or supporting someone they love.
For families looking for reliable breast cancer information and support, Breast Cancer Network Australia offers a helpline, resources and connection for people affected by breast cancer and those caring for them.
More gentle reading
If this subject is close to your heart, you may also like these earlier reflections:
- Navigating the Storm Together: How My Family and I Faced Cancer — what helped my family find our way through a cancer diagnosis.
- Beyond Pink Ribbons: Nurturing Ourselves and Our Community Through Breast Cancer Awareness — a reflection on care, connection and continuing the conversation beyond October.
- Think Pink: A Personal Reflection on Breast Cancer Awareness Month — my own experience of breast cancer and the importance of paying attention to our health.
Love,
Chelle 💗
Special Education Complex Supports and Family Support Specialist